Initiating sex is so pre-#MeToo movement. Inviting someone to have sex is far more hip.
Throw away what you believe you know.
Admit it: The phrase "initiate sex" conjures up images of a sex-starved spouse pawing at his less-than-libidinous partner — also known as antiquated AF.
According to Donaghue, assuming that cis males are responsible for initiating sex is outmoded and incorrect. "It's an old stereotype that all men are sexually assertive and always in the mood."
Spoiler: They are not.
"Desire is very individual and not based on one's sex or gender," McLaughlin explains. "Anyone can want and then take steps to make sex happen."
Inviting also implies that the other person(s) can decline, whereas initiating usually does not.
"With a sex invitation, you're checking in, as opposed to definitely starting something," McLaughlin says.
It is only weird if you make it so.
It's natural to feel nervous when doing anything for the first time. Think of swinging a golf club, driving on the left side of the road, or meeting your potential in-laws.
The same applies for encouraging someone to have sex for the first time, whether it's with a long-term boyfriend or a Tinder match.
Because inviting someone to have sex also invites the potential that they might not want to have sex, McLaughlin suggests practicing the art of rejection in the mirror.
"If someone says no or turns you down, thank them for sharing and respecting their own boundaries, and then move on."
Donaghue suggests remembering that someone's sexual rejection is usually not about you.
"It's often about their mood, body-esteem, lack of chemistry between both of you, or something else going on in their world."
There is no one-size-fits all script.
Walking about the apartment in your négligée may help you get banged when your long-term, live-in boo returns home. It will clearly be less effective if the person you wish to date is a Tinder match who lives 300 miles away.
Who you initiate sex with makes a difference. The same goes for where you are during the initiation.
However, there are a few simple things to remember.
Make it personal!
Generally speaking, the more customized the come-on, the better.
Meaning: I'm not a typical horny meatball. I'm a horny meatball because of how your calves appear in those heels and your biceps fill out that tee.
People enjoy feeling wanted.
Be clearer than clear.
Even if you believe you are crystal-clear, you could undoubtedly be clearer. Especially if your boo is a great listener.
If you want to go down on them, say so. If all you want is a quickie in the restroom, say so.
When you're not in the mood or thinking about having sex, getting from there to having sex can seem like a long shot.
Giving someone a specific sex situation provides them with additional information to work with. If it does happen, you get exactly what you want.
Make it a day-long pursuit.
Have you have a filthy dream about your FWB? Consider the match you've been chatting up in the shower. Remember how your lover tasted on their way to work?
Tell them. Sexting is the ultimate form of foreplay.
Begin with something flirty, and if they reciprocate, let the conversation to develop over the day.
If they end the conversation, don't worry; just get on with your day.
Learn their love language.
This may be more difficult to do with a casual sex partner, but consider personalizing your invitation to how your partner receives love.
If their love language is receiving gifts, consider giving them some seductive panties, a fresh pack of condoms, or that sex toy you've been talking about.
If their love language is words of encouragement, tell them how hot they sound when you kiss their neck or how turned on you are watching them dance.
Consent is the only constant.
No ifs, ands, or buts. Or butts.
It's one thing to kiss your spouse — especially if kissing is a frequent part of your interaction — to help them get in the mood.
It's quite another to start kissing their bits and bobs without first obtaining permission.
"You want your sexual activity to be centered on pleasure and comfort for everyone, correct? "That's where enthusiastic consent comes in," Donaghue explains.
He claims that sex cannot occur without enthusiastic permission. It is sexual assault.
During casual hookups
Most casual hookups fall into one of two categories: those you meet in person and those you meet online. Your approach to each differs slightly.
The public meets.
Do you want to take someone you met at the bowling alley, bar, or speakeasy home with you?
"Start with some genuine small talk before going straight to sex time," McLaughlin adds. This can help you determine whether you genuinely want to have sex with them (essential!).
If you're still intrigued after a little of chatting, she suggests going with honest and courteous.
For instance, "I know we don't know each other, but can I ask you a personal question?"
If the response is affirmative, inquire about their current relationship and, if so, any relationship agreements, such as monogamy.
Another option: "I think you're extremely [insert true and precise description here], and if you're interested, I'd love to kiss you and see where it leads. If not, that is also OK.
App life
Swipers swipe for a variety of reasons. If yours is because you want to have sex, be specific.
Here are some lines to try with your online buddy:
"I want to be completely honest: in addition to [date activity here], I would like to [sex act here] on Thursday. "Are you up for that?"
"What does your schedule look like for next week?" "I'd love to finally [insert sexual act here]."
"Before we meet in person, I would like to be upfront: I'm looking for casual sex partners, and I hope we may find one in each other. If it isn't what you're searching for, I fully understand. But I believe we should cancel our date if we are not on the same page."
In newly created connections.
There are several forms of newly formed connections. Here's how to get through some of them.
Someone you've hooked up with multiple times
"U up?" has, admittedly, become synonymous with "It's past midnight." "I want to come over and bang-a-lang — casually, obviously."
There are plenty more inventive and attractive methods to start a hookup with your sex partner. For example:
"I really enjoyed going down on you last weekend. If you're available later, I'd enjoy a repeat."
"Thinking about the way you looked in my sheets and would love to have you there against later tonight if you're interested."
"What are you up to tonight?" May I suggest that we meet up and play with my new vibrator together?"
Someone you've been'seeing' but haven't had sexual relations with yet
So you've gone on a few dates. Perhaps you have kissed. But you have not had S-E-X.
Your move: Do not create one! At least not before discussing whether you want to have sex.
"You don't want to automatically assume that they'll want to have sex just because you've been going on dates and kissing," McLaughlin says. Fair!
Here are some ways to bring it up:
"I've really enjoyed getting to know you and kissing you. I just wanted to take your temperature and see if you were interested in doing something other than kissing."
"I'm really enjoying getting to know you, and if you feel the same way, I'd like to take things further. How would you feel comfortable making out nude and seeing where it leads?"
You might even use this as an opportunity to discuss your current STI status. For example:
"I've enjoyed being physically intimate with you and would like to have sex. If that's something you'd prefer, I'd be happy to get both of us examined for STIs."
You have been dating and having sex with someone, but it is new.
Black coffee or with cream. Sex might take place in the morning or at nite. Relationships begin with a variety of learning curves.
One of such things is their preference for being invited to have sex.
By this time in your relationship, you should be able to ask your spouse the following questions:
Would you prefer that I start sex vocally ("Do you want to bang?") or with sensuous touches such as kissing or extended hugging?
Would you prefer to be asked directly ("Are you in the mood for a quickie?") or more subtly (by seduction and flirtation)?
In established partnerships.
So you've passed the getting to know you stage and are well aware of how your spouse prefers to start sexy time. Have at it!
"And if you're still not sure, ask—it's never too late," says McLaughlin.
In long-term relationships.
Maybe you've been married for 20 years, primary partners for 15, or have been living together for three years.
Whatever the cause, if you believe that sexy time begins in the same way (*yawn*), McLaughlin recommends the following techniques for initiating sex in fresh ways.
Create a Yes, No, Maybe list.
Fill out a yes/no/maybe list (like this one or this one) one afternoon. Then, the next time you're in the mood, ask, "How would you feel about revisiting that list?"
Visit a sex shop.
Online ones also count!
Take turns putting pleasure things in the cart. According to McLaughlin, this will have you talking about sex in a fresh way, which is the first step toward having sex.
Trust me, once you come home or the delivery arrives, you won't have to do much initiating. You'll both be excited to try out your new treats.
Schedule sex.
It's time to sync up your Google calendars and choose a nite (or morning!) when you can have a standing (or lying, wink) sex date.
Spend the time giving each other massages, watching porn, making out, taking a bath, or masturbating side by side.
It's okay if there is no sex. The idea is to initiate sexual intimacy without necessarily having sex.
Take turns!
Let's assume you have a weekly date nite. McLaughlin suggests rotating who initiates sex so that neither one feels obligated to do so.
Practice makes perfect.
It's a cliché, but it's accurate!
The more you put yourself out there, the easier it is to ask for what you want (sweet, sweet loving) — and to avoid taking it personally if the person(s) aren't interested.